Power. It’s in all places. It’s in all relationships, it’s in all dynamics, it’s in the workplace, it’s in your home, it’s in schools and it’s certainly in the tutoring relationship.

When we talk about power, it makes most people feel uncomfortable. Power is normally seen as something bad, evil or corrupt. It’s mainly viewed as a form of manipulation. However, personal power is something all humans need. If we don’t have any personal power, we can’t have a sense of self. We can’t have a sense of who we are and what we can achieve and we feel powerless. This leads to hopelessness, anger and often depression.

Power is not evil, it’s just a thing. It depends on how it is used as to whether it’s positive, negative or both. It’s like fire, it can be used for good purposes like heat, energy and a life source. Also, just like fire it can be used to harm and destroy.

Power is like water, it’s fluid, it has variable directions; it’s forever changing and it’s always moving. Power is never static.

Power will always be there, but it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to use it. Like all decisions, we can only decide something when we have taken the time to think about the subject more deeply.

What Role Does Power Have in Children’s Lives?

If we examine for a moment the role of power in children’s lives, you can see a child discovering its power to act on the world from a very young age. The baby cries and most of the time the mother will come. Listen to how two-year-olds can exercise the word no. When there’s something in the world toddlers want, and perhaps something is blocking it, you can see toddlers and their tantrums as initiations to their power upon the world.

The parent and child negotiation of power is relentless. Children constantly push boundaries and parents sometimes find themselves giving up just for an easier life. From refusing to eat meals that are cooked to not wanting to go to bed at a certain time, children are exercising power. Whilst for many parents this is exhausting, these dynamics are important as they are natural in a child’s development. They are learning about power. It won’t always be this way, as children learn the balance between what they want and what they can have. Most children will learn they do not lose their personal power and sense of self by conforming to parents, accepting parents saying no or having limits set. It is a normal development,

However, if a person reaches adulthood without any sense of their own personal power, they will become adults that cannot negotiate the power dynamics that are in all relationships. They will struggle to work, they will struggle to achieve, they will struggle with authority and they will probably be depressed and anxious adults. Many will turn to crime and be on the wrong side of the law. Some will always be bashing against authority figures trying to get that false power that replaces pure individual agency and autonomy within the world. Or a person can go the other way, and always be a yes person.  Giving all of themselves and always putting other people first as they cannot find their personal power to negotiate or say no.

Now let’s have a look at power within education and how an average UK student will experience power in schools. For many children, they lose some of their power and relearn other ways to express their power as they learn to conform in a school institution. There are rules and systems: Ways to dress, ways to behave, expectations upon them and ways to think. For some children this is okay, they can follow this system relatively unscathed. Many quickly learn that their power can come from achieving academically.  Some children learn to conform but find they can exercise their personal power in other ways: In sports, in the playground, by messing around in class and by not producing academic work.

However, if we take a child with SEN needs in mainstream schools, they are very often powerless. The social norms, parental and institutional expectations of achieving literacy, passing exams and getting certain grades becomes a powerful force upon these children. However, as not all institutions are set up to properly support SEN needs these children run the risk of not being able to meet these expectations and norms. They can quickly feel powerless. Long term powerlessness can lead to anxious and depressed children. These children will also be very susceptible to further experienced power violations upon them from adults.

The teacher-child relationship in the UK and many other countries is one that’s based on instruction and conformity. As well as being nurturing, encouraging and supportive, the teacher is the expert and the teachers have power. This power is recognised as they can exercise it in the form of detentions, behaviour modification, reporting to parents and the setting of homework. Many children experience homework as a theft of their free time.  Teachers are called Sir or Miss and Mrs and the child by their first name. They are in a position of Authority.

The tutor-child relationship 

The tutor child relationship is also one where the power is not equal. More often than not an SEN child has not chosen to have tutoring, they’re doing it because the parent has told them, asked them or coerced them.

The tutor is a paid professional, that is responsible for the clients (mainly parents) requested tuition for the child. The tutor is also bound by their organisational policies and the professional boundaries that come with that. It is not an equal relationship between the tutor and the child. However, what we are about to explore, is how to equalise the power in the sessions.

When children are anxious, feel shame, feel intimidated or unworthy they will often need to exercise power when engaging with an adult. Some children can feel destroyed by their feelings of powerlessness.  If they are not supported to have power and to be respected to keep their power, they will take their power back in ways that are destructive to the learning environment.

• Constantly saying I don’t know
• Not turning up for sessions or refusing another one
• Not engaging
• Not concentrating
• Jumping in and guessing answers quickly leaving no room for learning
• Fidgeting constantly when learning something new, but not when they are calm
• Talking about other things, in the crucial moments of explanation
• Needing to go to the toilet often
• Other forms of distraction

So how do we balance the act of power in the tutoring relationship?

What we must avoid at all costs, is using your own power to try and combat a child using theirs. It is not a healthy power struggle and not good for the child’s self-esteem and wellbeing. For example, if you have a child who fidgets and fiddles with things when they are learning something new, and you deal with it by taking things away from this child. What is happening to yours and the child’s power?

One way to help a child keep their personal power is to make sure we are mindful of the child and their power. We can do this in many ways.

Don’t be just another Authoritative adult.

Trying not to get into the relationship pattern where you’re just an adult telling a child what to do. The authority position that a classroom teacher will have must not be present in the tutoring relationship. there are no punishments or sanctions.

The child will always call the tutor by the first name and it’s always good practice to find out what the child likes to be called.

The first thing is to consider the child’s consent. Let’s say you were planning a topic because you knew the child was struggling with something specific, e.g. fraction work. You could start the session by saying to the child:

“I was wondering about doing some fractions today, you’ve found it hard in the past and I was wondering whether we could do something to try and make it easier. What do you think?”

That way, you are opening the door for the child to consent. If the child doesn’t consent and doesn’t want to do fractions, then one of two things can be happening here. The child is exercising their power to say no, so respect it, as that’s the only way you will balance the power in that relationship. Or the child is afraid of fractions, and you need to build more trust with that child before you can come back to it and approach that topic. Either way, do not override the child’s consent.

By not setting homework

Another real area of power is the area of homework. If you are setting homework you are exerting power upon the child. Homework in schools, colleges and universities are accepted as standard. However, I think it’s fair to say children do not enjoy having it set. Be careful if you set homework, as you are introducing something from an authoritative position and bringing it into a place that should be balanced power. At Westcountry SEN, we do not set homework unless it is a consensus and the child has requested it. Or knows and really understands there is no obligation to do it.

For anxious and overwhelmed children, homework can be seen as just another thing to do on top of an academic world they are already struggling to manage. Setting homework for younger children or writing in the end of session report what the child needs to work on at home is actually trying to give the parent homework not the child. Either way, most children will push back by trying to end sessions if homework is set. If you give homework to parents, you will already be adding in an additional layer on top of a day-to-day balance they may be struggling with. It will not encourage parents to keep sending their child.

Many tutors argue, that if they don’t set homework how do they measure what has been understood.  In many ways they are correct. Asking a child to do homework independently is one way of seeing what they’ve understood and what they haven’t understood. However, the likelihood is you won’t see that child again, or if you do and you keep setting homework, you’re not going to see that child long term. What is also missing is you have not seen how that child has emotionally reacted when left alone to do it.

What would be more beneficial, is if you repeat part of what you did with the child the following week, to see how much has been retained and how much you need to change the way you are delivering the learning so the child can understand and remember better.

For older children that are doing GCSEs and A levels. Homework again adds in something else they have to do. Any actions to complete or further homework pressures on them can create a lot of overwhelm, especially for anxious children who are worried about exams and the amount they must do for them. So how do we balance this power?

There are three steps

1 Ask the child if they want extra work or not.

2 Let them know there are no repercussions if they do not do it

3 Let them know it’s their learning and education, not yours.

So how does this work?

“Sarah, I was just wondering about something.”

“yeah…”

“I was wondering whether if we made some homework or something for you to try at home if that would be any use for you?”

“Umm, I don’t know”

“Well, what I was thinking about was giving you some of these math’s questions to try. But we also agree that if you don’t have time, or they feel too difficult, you don’t do them. Even if you do do them, you don’t have to bring them back here to our sessions, unless you want to. Some people who come here find it helpful to do some extra practice and some don’t. There’s no real right or wrong way it just depends on what works for you.”

“OK, I think I’ll give it a go I’ll take some home. And I will bring them back here to see how I do.”

“That sounds great, just one more thing though Sarah. If you take them home and you find that you don’t have time or maybe you just forget. I don’t want you to worry about bringing them back, or think I’ll be disappointed. it’s really important that you understand that. It’s just what’s going to be better for you, and if that means that you don’t do extra practice then that’s what you’ll need to do. It’s your learning, not mine so I want you to be able to do whatever is going to work best for you. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah it does I’m going to say I’ll try, and then if I don’t have time, I don’t need to worry about it because we can just do it again next time.”

“Exactly.”

The point in this scenario is Sarah was given the option. There could be hundreds of scenarios, but the key thing of each one will be letting the child know there will be no repercussions, no expectation of them to complete the task that’s outside of the session. Also, they can give consent.

Sarah could have easily said no in the first part she did not want any and should have been respected.

For most children, homework shouldn’t be set. If you need to rely on homework to check understanding, then I would wonder why you weren’t able to recreate problems and check the understanding and reevaluate week by week, session by session. You need to get closer to the child’s struggles in their understanding. You need to be with them when they are working on problems and tasks so you can see the anxiety, any stress, if there’s a lack of structure or if they even know how to start a problem. You won’t see any of that if you ask for the work to be done outside the session.

Always asking consent

Just say you have agreed on work for a child to do. Say write a piece about what they did in half term or something small so that you can gauge their writing with. When the child has finished, and you can see the piece of paper on the table. This is where micro-power transactions can happen.  How do you reengage with that child? You could just pick it up and start reading it? However, children could feel powerless, especially as you have the potential to judge. This will happen with many children who have dyslexia and find literacy difficult. You could retain the balance of power and simply ask the child can I read it? Can we look at it together? Even though it was an agreed task, you are asking the child’s consent and drawing a boundary of where they end, and you begin.

The same goes for maths or science problems. When a child is working on a question and they seem to be struggling. Don’t rush in thinking this is your Golden moment to show what an amazing tutor you are, gain consent first to enter their learning world. Do you want me to give you a hint? Would you like any help? You are drawing a boundary between their mind and yours.

When you approach a new topic that a child thinks they might know a little bit about already, you could say do you want to do this problem together? Or do you want to have a go and then let me know if you need any help? Or, shall I do this one with you and you try the next one on your own if you feel confident?

These are all consensus-building questions as they respect a mental boundary. They should be present in every single session. The child will know week after week you are not going to invade their thinking space. You will see in return, the child feeling safe enough to develop their thinking, to have ideas and to make strong connections. Children need a mental space to learn and it’s your job to work out how much space they need. Too much space and a child can feel helpless and abandoned in their learning. Not enough space and a child can feel suffocated and frustrated in their learning. It’s a tightrope you will have to walk in every single session, you need to engage with it and practice the fine balance of stepping in with consent and stepping back in a supportive way.

Do you recall one of our earliest scenarios of what to do when a child comes who’s been brought by their parents, and isn’t engaged? Remember you could see the child didn’t want to do it at all.

It is in this part of the course; understanding consensus and thinking about the balance of power where this scenario needs to be talked about.

Coercion and manipulation can occur together and can sometimes be employed because we think it is in the interests of the child to continue. We think (often from experience) when the child can understand the subject or have greater learning skills, they will enjoy it. Coercion and manipulation are an abuse of power, even if you have the child’s best interests at heart. However, as we said before, to withhold the tutoring and the skills you have from the child is taking away that child’s choice and potential. So, what do we do?

We are firstly open and honest with the child. We reflect back to that child in a non-judging and not shaming way, that we can see them. Not only do we see them, but we have complete positive regard for that child, and we let them feel that.  So, we could say something like this.

“I can see you’re not that really that happy here, it’s OK, I’m not taking it personally and I don’t think you’re being rude. I can imagine it wasn’t your choice to come, and I don’t think you really like the thought of working on your spelling. That’s really OK to have those thoughts and feelings.”

Immediately you are talking to a child respectfully and safely. You are letting that child know, they don’t need to pretend for you. You are letting them know you value them for who they are and for whatever thoughts and feelings they have.  Then you could continue.

“I’ve been doing this work that I do here for a while now. I’ve seen many children not like spelling and reading, and not wanting to do any more of it outside of school. But what I’ve also seen is that some children who don’t like spelling and reading find it a bit difficult. When those children find it easier, they like doing it more and some even really enjoy it. But I also know that some children who find it difficult, when they get help here they do find it easier, but they still don’t want to do it anymore and they find it boring. So, what I was wondering is if you and I could come to some sort of agreement. We could work on spelling and reading, I can try and make it as fun as possible, but we just do it for a little while – maybe a few weeks –  and if you still really hate it, then we agree that you shouldn’t do it anymore… Because it’s not really fair if you don’t like it at all, and you still have to come. I don’t think that’s fair, and I wouldn’t want that for you.”

Most children will agree to this, many will continue past that short initial period. A few will not. But those who will not will remember an adult saw them and they will be willing to come back if they need more help in the future.

It’s about seeing children and appreciating them for whoever they are, and wherever they are in their learning. It’s always about letting them know you value them for their thoughts and their feelings.  If they don’t want to do it at all, it doesn’t mean you are a bad tutor, it means you respect that child’s well-being enough to allow them to communicate that. Then you become an advocate for them in letting your line manager know who will talk to the parent about stopping.

The power between the client and the tutor.

If we are not careful, there could be quite a power struggle between the client e.g. the parent of the child and the tutor. Lots of tutors do not come into the profession to negotiate adult power dynamics. They come into tutoring because they want to help children and adults who struggle to learn and enjoy giving the tutee learning tools and skills. However, what some tutors don’t fully engage with is the child is never a  single relationship, they come fully attached to a parent who is also paying for the service. Not all, but some tutors will prefer not to engage with the parents and clients. Trying to cut the parent out or not communicating with them and answering their questions, is active withholding and it’s a manipulative power move upon the parent.

This unintended power struggle can happen when the parent is asking for feedback or is asking some questions about the service. Some tutors can experience this as the parent exerting power over them. So, the tutor goes into hiding or doesn’t respond properly as a way of avoiding the perceived power invasion, which causes a power struggle, as what they are doing is exerting power over that parent by withholding.

If you look at it from the parent or client point of view, they are paying for a service, they may be anxious about their child’s progress, they may be worried about their child’s future capabilities and they may have a back story of their own educational struggles. For many parents, they are prioritising their child’s education to make sure history doesn’t repeat itself. Then because of these fears, they are prioritising tuition and the fanatical implications of it.

Additionally, some parents can find it difficult to ask for feedback because, for them, the tutor or organisation can be seen as authority figures. So sometimes asking for help or feedback beyond the session reports, comes across as angry, or be experienced as aggressive. This is because there’s anxiety in asking, so to mask the worry and cope with her anxiety of request, it comes out very forward and confrontational.

When this is the case, it’s easy for the tutor to feel attacked, so they withhold or dodge the request. Thus, on top of feeling anxious about the tuition service, the parent feels ignored. This is a power struggle that will only have a negative impact on a child. It is also not healthy for the parent to experience this either.

Parents and clients pay for a service for the support for their child. This payment transaction is where the power is, even if parents don’t feel their power.  They’re handing over money and purchasing additional support. Like any consumer, parents and clients have a right to ask about the service they are buying.

It is Westcountry SEN’s policy that these requests do not get discussed in front of the child, but it is not our policy to withhold. The more positive professional relationships you can build with parents, the more chance you have to create a positive healthy learning environment for the child.

So, how do we do this?

Session reports are for parents and clients. Training on session reports has been covered in other areas.

However, when a parent asks for additional feedback, it is better if it is done over the phone if the parent is happy with this. You must avoid thinking that you are being examined. Being defensive, confrontational, or avoiding the conversation is not helpful to you or the parent/client. You are a paid professional that needs to engage in conversations about a child’s progress. These are your caseloads, you should know where you are going with the education, what the next step is, the progress that has been made and be able to make a review of the situation as a whole. You should always talk with your line manager before initiating such conversations, just to make sure that your thoughts are clear.  If you are a trainee, you should always talk to your line manager first.

When parents are consistently asking for updates, then you need to find out what they require on the session reports, as their reporting needs are not being met. If the requests feel unreasonable or take too long, make sure you have discussions with your line manager rather than just ignore the request or avoid the conversations. If the parent or client’s expectations are higher than we can offer as a service, then your line manager will negotiate what can and can’t be achieved for that parent or client.

You may find these types of conversations and negotiations difficult. If so, talk to your line manager who can organise extra training in how to deal with them. These are the types of interactions that are crucial to children’s academic achievements. You could be the best tutor in the world, but unless you can talk to parents in a warm open professional capacity, you will struggle to keep your students and parents and clients will not trust you.

Power is in every tutoring relationship. If you respect it and enable children and their parents to keep their power without you losing yours, everyone will benefit.