Can you see me, can you hear me and do I matter?

An answer to ‘can you see me, can you hear me and do I matter?’ is something human beings need and search for on a daily basis. You might feel you don’t ask those questions but what was it like the last time someone didn’t listen to you? What was it like the last time you were feeling unsupported? Not being seen, not being heard or thinking you don’t matter has never had positive outcomes.

Whether it is having medical treatment, taking up a new job, being in a new relationship or starting a new course, knowing that someone can see you, can hear you and that you matter is fundamental for you feeling okay with the process. It’s the difference between an activity being unpleasant or the activity/ event making you feel connected and worthwhile.

Let’s go through each aspect and see what each part means when you are with your student.

Can you see me?

This doesn’t mean can you see my hair colour, skin colour or how tall I am. Can you see me relates to can you see me for all I am.

Can you see how I am feeling?

• Can you tell if I am nervous sat next to you? Can you see that my giggling and distractibility is because I am anxious you will see how stupid I am when I get this maths question wrong?
• Can you see that I get scared when I get a question right as I know I will disappoint you now when I get all the rest of the questions wrong?
• Can you see I get scared of succeeding as I’m scared the work will get harder?
• Can you see that I learn differently to other children you have worked with, so if you try and pigeon hole me into a box you will miss my learning needs?
• Can you see I was forced to be here by mum, and I would much prefer to be out playing football with my friends?
• Can you see I hate learning because it makes me feel so bad?
• Can you see I’m just being polite when I try and join in with your planned lessons and play your games, but I would rather just sit here and cry because I feel so sad and don’t know why?
• Can you see I feel patronised by you when you over explain to me, I got it the first time and this work is too easy?

Very rarely will a student be so open or be able to articulate the statements written above. However, most students will have an inner part of them that they shield. This shielding is sometimes because they don’t have the words to express themselves and so it comes out in their behaviour instead. Other students may have a social desirability and want to please you, so only say things related to the work they are doing. Other students may have complex feelings sat next to you and not know how to untangle them or how to express them.

To see a student’s feelings in regard to their learning, you must be open to being curious about and observing their responses and behaviours when they are in your tutoring sessions. There are two main ways that will block tutors from seeing their students:

• Having too much focus on the learning and learning tasks. Focusing on the learning is vitally important but it must not be the whole of your focus. 60% of the learning and 40% of how the student is feeling about their learning is a good ratio. However, if you get too lost in the targets and become task driven you will fail to see the student who you are teaching and will fail to see where the biggest learning barriers are.
• Assuming that each student will have the same feelings. If you assume that all students will have the same negative feelings then you will not invest any time trying to see your student. Instead, you will react to the feelings you ‘have decided’ your student has before you have had any experience of working with them. You will also fail to see your student if you do not take the time to get to know them.

Can you see my learning struggle?

There is a well-known phenomenon in psychology called the conformation bias read more

This bias describes how we use what we already know to make preconceived ideas influence what we are seeing in front of us. The bias means we look for conformation of our preconceived ideas and miss out what we don’t recognise.

An example might be that you have been working long term tutoring maths to a dyslexic student. This student becomes anxious and nervous whenever algebra comes up as a topic and you have to emotionally support them as well as teach the maths skills.

Just say you have a new maths student who also has dyslexia, you use your experience from your previous student to form a preconception that this student will get anxious with algebra too. So, you change gear and offer emotional support and reassurance as soon as algebra is mentioned.

However, this student actually likes algebra, they get it. What they struggle with are the word questions and finding the finer detail in word-based problems. When it comes to algebra, they can do it as it’s a simple concept to them. Your unnecessary emotional support will be mildly irritating to some students and frustrating to others. Either way, they may not respect you, and your relationship with them will be stagnant. You may just become another adult who thinks they know them better than they do.

Fighting being the ‘expert’ in the room is one of the hardest things you can do when you are building experience. It’s so easy to think you will mainly learn how to help struggling children from books and courses. However, the truth is, if you stay open and curious, the children you work with will teach you more about them and their struggles, than any book possibly could.

By being curious and constantly asking yourself:

• Where is the student struggling?
• What is the student finding difficult?
• How do they feel when they are learning?
• Am I doing everything I can to see each child as a unique individual

All of the above will help you see the student for who they actually are, not what you expect them to be, the student will feel seen and understood.

Can you hear me?

When we think of hearing, we may initially think of sound levels and the words used. However, what we say is far more than the words used. It’s made up of tone and body language. Sometimes students will say one thing and communicate quite strongly that they feel something very different.

The way to hear your students is to practice and tune in your listening skills. This is a unique skill that takes a lot of practice. Listening skills are not something we use in everyday life and in conversations. In the next lesson we will cover these skills in more detail. However, for now, perhaps we need to think about listening more.

It is not just what is being said that matters, it’s how it’s being said and what is not being said. If your student isn’t able to engage in the work you are trying to do with them, what is it they are not saying or communicating? What is it that you need to know to change direction or adapt your lesson? We will also cover this in more depth in the ‘I don’t know’ lesson too.

Do I matter?

All children and in fact all humans need to know that they matter. How do we show someone they matter?

It’s simple; to be present to them. Never use your phone to text or check emails while you are with them. Instead, be present and responsive to your students’ thoughts, ideas, questions and feelings.

It’s important to validate your students and to show them that they matter to you. How they feel when they are with you matters to you. Their progress matters to you. Their enjoyment and their success with their studies matters to you. Their feeling of being understood matters and you are motivated to see, hear, and understand your students.